the moment my time stood still

All my life I’ve been in a rush, always in a hurry, as if not to miss something and nothing at all. I was galloping in my own world and I had no idea why, I had no reasons. At times it felt as if I was not even there, I was not aware, I didn’t enjoy the moments. Being it in my professional or personal life, I was always on the run.

But my world changed suddenly, and for the first time in my life the time started to slow down. I’ve been preparing for this moment for almost nine months, but how much can you prepare for such a tiny being. You can read all the books in the world you want, but reality will always look different.

It was a Thursday, everything was indicating to be a normal day. I was telling him that coming during the week is “not good for business”, as I have work to do, so, maybe he could arrive on the weekend. But he wouldn’t be who he is, if he would’ve listened to me. He has his own will and he wanted to show that to me from his very first day.

It was around 10 in the morning, I was in-between the meetings, working from home situation. While taking a break, my wife is calling me out while I was in the bathroom. I got out as I thought she needed to use the bathroom, but…when I got out, she told me that he is coming. At first I didn’t realise it, until I saw that her water broke. At that point I felt like the earth ran underneath me. The most awaited moment was here, only that, it was 2 weeks earlier than planned. You know, plans are useless, but planning is everything.

My wife is one of the strongest persons I’ve ever met in my life, it takes it from her mother. Even though all this was happening to her, she was telling me to eat, as there might not be another chance on that day. Hehe, she knows that if I get hungry, I become quite cranky, so she wanted to avoid that, at all cost, later on in the day. But how was I supposed to eat something when I couldn’t even swallow? Still…I ate something quickly and went on to prepare the things for the hospital.

The ambulance came and we got to the hospital. You know, I learned how a baby is delivered from the movies, scream, push, scream, push, scream, push aaaand he’s out. Well my story was just a little bit different…Do you remember when I said that my wife is really a strong woman? I meant it, mentally and physically. She really was, she didn’t scream once during the labor, even though it was looking like she was in a heck lot of a pain. At the same time, I really thought she will unite my wedding ring to the bone of my finger. So this was the first surprise, no screams, no screams at all, no yell at me, no cursing. The second surprise was still to come. You know how in the movies you hear push, push, push and he’s out. Well, I was expecting that. Reality? She had to push for almost an hour, while I was checking which name he will have. Not at all like in the movies. When he got out, I thought that we’ve got an avatar. He was soooo blue, but soon thereafter he turned out into a beautiful pinky boy, full with life.

Couple of hours later here he is, and at that moment, everything stopped for me. He was so serene, so calm, so peaceful. He came into this world and he made his very first choice, he chose one of the 3 names we prepared for him. We want to give him the chance to chose in his life as much as he possibly can. We thought to start with his name. He chose a beautiful name, his name. He is the first of his name in our families.

I could have never imagined in my life that I will have such deep feelings of love for another human being without knowing them at all. I felt the need to be there, to be aware, to be awake, to absorb everything. You know how in The Matrix, Neo discovered how to bend time to his will? This is how I felt, my time slowed down, for real. I realised that this is it, I can not rush him, I can not speed up his development, his growth, I need to let nature take its course. The best part is, that my son started teaching me from his very first day.

First lesson: to be patient. I have to be honest here, patience is not my strongest suit, it is something that I am continuously working on and improving, but I am not a natural when it comes to being patient. With him I need to be, otherwise he is complaining, loudly, and if you think about it, it all makes sense. As grownups when you feel rushed, you don’t feel like working and collaborating with the other one, do you? The little one is a whole person, he may not be able to express in a language that I can easily understand, but he is not that different from me and you. He just lacks the experience of this world, which he is starting to discover now.

How did he do that? when changing diapers…tadaaa! Since he is breastfed, my involvement in his life is quite limited. Let’s face it, he needs his mama! One way I can spend some me time with him is when changing diapers. A thing that I’ve learned while doing this is, to talk to him. Explaining him every single step I am about to do, forces me not to rush, so simple. Of course, there were times when I failed to do so, and he either fought back or I failed to put the diaper correctly. Which logically, led to some very wet times. I really thought he is a magician when he peed on his clothes, but the diaper was dry and it was on him. I double checked, I was not dreaming.

Second lesson: to be present. In the first months, a newborn doesn’t do much other than eat, sleep, poop and repeat. They live in the NOW, without any notion of time. Isn’t that great? Still, he is reserving surprises during the day, he sneaks in moments where he is smiling or laughing. Oh the excitement and the anticipation of those moments lights up my awareness every single time. Feeling this incredible little being next to me, his every breath so pure, so honest, without any corruption, it is so peaceful, so blissful. His every smile, his every laugh is so special and so beautiful, that to miss one, feels to me like a huge loss. I need to be there, to be present to catch all these moments.

Third lesson: to never give up. Yes, sometimes he has hard times, he is growing, things are changing around him. He can’t do much about that, but I can. I can hold him, offer him understanding and persevering in soothing his discomfort. I can not backup from this, I need to support him in getting over these moments. At times it is challenging, when everything you try doesn’t work. But you try and try again. You change what you’re doing until you find what he actually needs. This is the best part with him, you will understand fast whether you are doing what he needs or not. There is no delay in feedback. At the end of the day it is so rewarding, as he brings on his smile on his face. He sort of thanks you for helping out. It is just amazing.

6 months down this road, for me, things have changed now, but for the better. I have to say that I live a better life now than before. I am excited and thrilled about this new chapter of our lives. I am looking forward to all the lessons I am going to learn, all the knowledge that I am going to uncover, to the growth alongside my son and my wife.